Seven Core Issues Identified in Adoption

Seven core issues are now recognized in adoption for birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. These include:

-Loss
-Rejection
-Guilt/Shame
-Grief
-Identity
-Intimacy
-Mastery/Control

Several of these core issues apply to donor conception, too. I will explain the ones that seem, in particular, to relate those of us conceived through gamete (egg/sperm/embryo) donation. My focus here is on the produced children, although I realize that these affect all parties involved in donor conception.

Donor conception, like adoption, would not exist without loss. Parents have frequently lost their dream of having a child due to infertility or other circumstances. In the case of couples, one parent loses the opportunity to have a child sharing a genetic bond. Additionally, the donor-conceived are intentionally seperated from half of their genetic families, whether temporarily (for the first 18 years of life) or permanently (through anonymous donations). Some of us have been forever denied information about our heritage and medical histories, too. In other words, the loss initially experienced by our parents through infertility has been unintentionally transferred to many of us.

Similar to adoptees, some donor-conceived people also experience rejection. Although the "donors" are most often well-intentioned and good people intending to help another family, the resulting offspring may wonder why their biological parent intentionally severed ties with them. Even though the donor never wanted to be in a parental role, some of us still view that person as being far more important than just a "donor." Assuming our donors are married with children, we are equally related to them as are their children through marriage yet we are denied any type of connection with all of them. In some ways, this feels like being a second class citizen. Others may point out that we are very wanted by our parents who sought donor conception, which is true, but we are nonetheless rejected/abandoned by someone who may be very important to us.

We, too, are potentionally set up for grief, yet we are expected by society to be grateful. While many, if not most, of us are happy to be alive, we must grieve over never knowing a biological parent and our own history. We may also grieve over never knowing our aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and cousins. To some of us, this realization feels much like experiencing the death of someone close to us.

Donor-conceived people, especially conceived through anonymous versus known donations, may wonder about the other half of their identity. Some feel incomlete and lack feelings of well-being. Questions may develop, including: Who am I? Where am I from? Where do I belong? What relatives do I look/act like? What is my heritage? Many of us have no way to obtain answers to our questions.

Like adoptees who had no control over being placed up for adoption, donor-conceived had no part in the decision to be a result of reproductive technology. Again, feelings of lack of control applies more to those conceived through anonymous donors. Long before we were born, our parents, clinic, and donor made a decision on our behalf that we would never be allowed to know half of our genetic family. We are a product of this contract, yet we had no voice or ability to advocate for our own needs.

Ending all anonymous donations would reduce many of these issues by taking the needs of the "children" into account and providing them with information that most people simply take for granted. Mistakes were made in the past, but at least they can be corrected for future generations. However, change will not occur until our voices are heard instead of pushed aside.

Radio Lab - NPR

Thanks, Ari, for a great program about the "history of sperm."

One of three segments discussed my search, including interviews with two incredible men who went through DNA testing with me. Each segment is 20 minutes. You may listen to them here: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/11/21

"Fatherhood" (2nd segment - starts at 22:30)
In this segment, Ari Daniel Shapiro introduces us to a young woman and her years-long search for the man whose donated sperm was used in her conception. Kathleen has thought long and hard about what fatherhood means, about the psychology of genetic relationships, and about the complicated emotions tied up in family, responsibility, and identity. Her persistence and determination brought her into strangely intimate contact with complete strangers, who had some surprising and unexpected reactions to her sudden appearance in their lives.

The other segments included:

"Sperm" (1st segment)
Why so many sperm? We turn to the animal kingdom to answer that question, which lands us on a tour of sperm battles in ducks, flying pig sperm, and promiscuous whippoorwills. We ponder the necessity of males in a world where sperm can be frozen and kept for all eternity. And we sit quietly in a stark sonic space with a widow struggling to keep some essence of her husband alive.

Matthew Cobb takes us back to 1677, when Anton Van Leewenhoek first identified sperm and there was much talk of souls and miniature men residing in the seminal fluid. Upon observation it became clear that there were an awful lot of those little guys that never turned into babies! Jad wonders: why so many sperm? Bird-sex specialist Tim Birkhead, of the University of Sheffield, explains what effect imperfect monogamy has on reproductive strategies. Then sperm physiologist Joanna Ellington and her pig Hazel give us some insight into the obstacles sperm must overcome in their odyssey from their male originator to their female destination.

"Deep Freeze" (3rd segment)
Genetics researcher and author Steve Jones speculates on how males got their start, and then presents us with a biological mystery: Why have males hung around so long? Males don't appear to be biologically necessary. In fact, some species, says Steve, have done away with them entirely. But surely males have some use? Steve makes one argument for why we need men ... or at least a freezer full of sperm. NPR's Nell Greenfieldboyce tells us how news of a new technology allowing the extraction of sperm from a man posthumously impacted a grieving New York widow named Leisha.

FAQ's, Needed Legislation, and Resources

FAQ’s, Needed Legislation, and Resources

These are a few questions frequently asked to those of us conceived through sperm donation.

1. How can you be against something that brought you into the world?
-I believe that you can appreciate your life without supporting your method of conception. People produced through rape (which obviously involves an act of violence that does not apply to my situation) or an affair may feel similarly. While I am grateful to be here, I only support known (versus anonymous) donors.

2. Are you mad at your parents?
-No, I'm not mad at my mom, dad, or biological father. I believe that my parents sought donor conception as a "medical treatment." Nobody was aware of how we, the "products" of a business deal, might one day feel. I'm also not mad at my biological father. I believe that the vast majority of the young men who are targeted to become sperm donors are naive but kind and well-intentioned. Most probably wanted to help a family and needed money.
However, I think we need to learn from mistakes of the past and correct them for future generations. I also hope that my biological father will come forward one day. If he would give me a chance, I'm pretty sure that I would grow on him.

3. It's just one cell. Why do you care?
-That one cell led to my existence. It's not one cell, but half of who I am. If genetics weren't important in the first place, this booming industry wouldn't exist.
In addition, I am curious about the other half of my family, including aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I also want to meet my half-siblings, whether I have 2, 20, or 200 of them. There were no limits placed on the number of children that one man could produce, which increases the likelihood that I may have numerous half-brothers and half-sisters.

I also want access to my medical history - which would be helpful not only since I am diabetic, but for appropriate screening for other illnesses - and heritage. I have even googled my features to try to figure out my ancestry.

4. Aren't you violating a contract by searching?
-No, I am simply the result of a contract that was signed by my mom, the clinic, and my donor long before I was even born.

5. Is your search threatening to your dad?
-My dad knows that he's my one and only dad. Although I do view the other man as my biological father versus an unimportant donor, he is not a second dad. To me, your dad is the person who raises you as his own. I think that each of us must define these terms for ourself - donor, biological father, and dad.

6. How is sperm donation any different than donating blood (or an organ)?

-While some people may think that the two seem similar, I find sperm donation and blood donation very different. Sperm donation involves paying a person to help CREATE life, while blood is given to SUSTAIN life. Furthermore, sperm donation contributes to the resulting child's sense of self and identity. Sperm donation also potentionally tranfers a sense of loss and grief to the children that does not apply to blood donation.

7. I'm thinking about using donated eggs/sperm because I'm single (or in a same-sex relationship or struggling with infertility). What would you recommend in terms of the best interest of my future child?
-I highly commend those who learn about all perspectives prior to going through this process. I think it takes great insight. My main advice is to use a known donor. Even if your child does not feel like me, at least he/she will have options available. Also, I strongly encourage honesty. Tell your child at an early age (in an age-appropriate manner) about his/her conception. This avoids secrecy and deception within the family.

8. What legislation do you want passed?
-I support the objectives as stated by The International Network of Donor Conception Organizations (INODCO, http://www.inodco.com/).
1. End donor anonymity.
2. Track all recipients, donors and births and safeguard all records in a central, government data bank indefinitely. Information to be accessible by all involved families.
3. Mandate reporting of donor conceived live births from each donor.
4. Limit the number of births conceived with the sperm or eggs from any given donor
5. Require donors to regularly update their family medical history. Medical information to be included in donor data bank.
6. Mandate genetic testing for donors and include genetic information in donor bank.
7. Push our respective governments to inquire into followup health histories of egg donors.
8. Require mandatory third party counseling for all prospective donors and parents.
9. Require legal and financial protection for anonymous donors so that they may feel safe to come forward.
**The following organizations also push for the above, new legislation internationally. (Endorsed by the Donor Sibling Registry, USA; The Donor Conception Network, UK; CaBRI, USA; MAIA, France; Procreation Medicalement Anonyme, France; Donor Conceptuion Support Group, Australia; and International Donor Offspring Alliance (IDOA)

9. What Resources are Available?
For additional information about donor conception as well as a registry to look for donor relatives, visit the Donor Sibling Registry (http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/). Other helpful sites include the Infertility Network of Canada(http://www.infertilitynetwork.org/) and The United Kingdom Donor Conception Network (http://www.donor-conception-network.org/). Information about finding biological relatives through the X chromosome (for women) and Y chrosome (for men) can be found at www.cabrimed.org/donorconceivedservices.jsp and http://www.familytreedna.com/. To view a site containing pictures and detailed stories of donor-conceived people, go to http://www.searchingformyspermdonorfather.org/. Online groups about donor conception include People Conceived Via Artificial Insemination (PCVAI), IDOA, and Tangled Webs. For information about legally binding DNA testing, visit Identigene at http://www.dnatesting.com/. For non-legally binding DNA testing, visit the Genetic Testing Laboratories, Inc. (GTL) at http://www.gtldna.com/customerservice.html.